Social 14 November 2018 | 17:59

We need to talk about these weird toys

14 November 2018 17:59

It’s hard to be totally shocked by anything these days, right? I mean, a reality TV star, with a ropey grasp of the concept of sexual consent and a habit of eating pizza slices backwards, is the most powerful man in the world. Plus, our MPs are currently voting on how we should systematically commit economic and cultural suicide by leaving the European Union.

Having said that, even given the nauseating context, it’s hard not to be baffled by the ad for the must-have toy (for every right-wing toddler who has questionable opinions about Mexican people) this Christmas: Trumpy Bear. (No, it is real. We checked.)

‘A storm is coming,’ the baritone voiceover booms over a backdrop of dark rain-bearing clouds. ‘You cannot defeat the storm … I am the storm!’ Terrified yet? Yep, us too. The ad, which was aired this week on the bastion of truth and journalistic integrity that is Fox News, goes on: ‘Introducing … the original Trumpy Bear,’ we hear, before an old lady proclaims the vomit-inducing crescendo: ‘God bless America, and God bless Trumpy Bear.’

We then see a fully-grown woman fondling the 22-inch stuffed bear. Made in China, Trumpy Bear has all the hallmarks of a confused political monster who is totally out of his depth: an unconvincing blond combover, a red tie and a painfully confused facial expression. Another thing that’s useful to note is the choice of animal here, a bear – the national animal of Russia. Coincidence? We couldn’t possibly speculate.

It’s all very weird, that’s for sure. But, then again, it doesn’t really matter because nothing does. If the last couple of years has taught us anything, it’s that statements, actions and behaviours really don’t have any meaning or implications anymore. People can do or say or sell whatever they want – it’s 2018, actions apparently no longer have consequences. But, all jokes aside, we do think that everyone should buy their children a Trumpy Bear this Christmas; if we have to put up with constant Trump-related disappointment then they should too.

This creepy toy thing is a growing trend. The internet was shocked into submission today when an ad for a blisteringly-expensive and totally horrifying Idris Elba doll surfaced on Instagram. That’s right, for a measly £850 you can own a 17-inch doll that looks like an amalgamation of Frozone from Incredibles, a furious Eddie Murphy and Jafar from Aladdin. But nothing like Idris Elba.

Last month, we had a bizarre Jodie Whittaker doll too. ‘The doll offers fans and collectors a new way to celebrate the adventures of this iconic character,’ the BBC said in a statement. But Doctor Who fans weren’t too impressed because, you know, the makers have taken a talented actress and turned her into a paedophile’s wet dream from the 90s.

‘The Doctor had been a female less than 12 hours and they reduced her to a cliché plastic plaything,’ said one fan of the hit show. ‘Not all girls need to be Barbies.’ Christmas is already mildly terrifying for children, we tell them that an intruder is going to come down the chimney in the dead of the night (no wonder they’re all so anxious these days). We just don’t need to add to the problem with grotesque toys.