LOLZ 30 October 2018 | 17:25

Julian Assange's cat

30 October 2018 17:25

Every man has his limits. It’s no secret around the DRUGSTORE CULTURE office that this Editor likes cats, and – with one or two regrettable exceptions – so do most of our crack team. So imagine my disgust when I saw this revolting picture of Julian Assange’s cat. I fear that I had one of my biennial meltdowns.

Look, we have indulged this preposterous Albino Pimpernel for way too long as it is. He has been holed up in the Ecuadorian embassy since 2012, inflicting his ego, weird lifestyle and ridiculous ideas upon the representatives of this central American nation for six years – who cannot possibly have imagined that, in offering asylum to the founder of Wikileaks, they would essentially be giving the world’s most unpleasant permanent adolescent a berth for an indefinite period. I bet it feels like decades, especially to the cleaning staff.

Now a judge has ordered Assange to sort his act out: to pay for his internet, stop playing football and skateboarding in a way that damages the fabric of the building, and to take care of his cat. Look at this blameless feline. It is an absolute rule that anyone who dresses up their cat should not have one. No exceptions, no special pleading, no jolly seasonal excuses. Cats are not dolls, or substitute children. They are dignified creatures who hate to be the object of ridicule or theatre. It’s bad enough, let’s be honest, to end up as Julian Assange’s cat. How much worse to be dressed up to look as ridiculous as he does.

I am dismayed by the extent to which, even now, this cyber-fool is paid court by celebrities and artists who ought to know better. He is a poundshop Maharishi, still peddling his tedious ideas after all these years to the credulous, the desperate and the plain clueless. His very curious relationship with Russia, Nigel Farage, and involvement in the 2016 presidential election are reasons enough to dismiss him as anything other than a bad lot. We should ignore him and hope that the poor Ecuadorians don’t have to put up with him for much longer.

But the cat? Well, that is a pressing civic matter. Let’s start a campaign to liberate the Hans Crescent One. Who’s with me?