LOLZ 9 October 2018 | 10:40

Absolute gobbledy-Goop

09 October 2018 10:40

Great news, everyone. I’ve just been on Gwyneth Paltrow’s website, Goop, and I’ve found all the answers. Yes, all of them.

First off, I know your body has only just entered ketosis, but it’s time to chuck that diet out of the window and start aligning your food with your chakras. It’s simple – just like crystal healing, apart from you don’t have to cleanse your spinach under the full moon. I’ve been trying it out for the past twenty minutes now and I have to say, I really do feel like drinking out of a red, full-fat Coke can, instead of my usual silver Diet packaging, is doing wonders for my root chakra.

If you’ve been feeling a bit depressed or anxious lately, then I suggest you nip that in the bud by ignoring literally everyone for a week or two. This way, you can harness the ancient power of Vipassana, a 10-day meditation course, during which you must be completely silent at all times. ‘Cleaning up our minds leads to real happiness’, you see, and the obvious way to do is by shutting up and neglecting any adult responsibilities. No calls, please – it’ll be a waste of both of our time.

And lastly, the Goop pièce de résistance, a $3,490 twenty-four carat gold dildo is recommended for all you love birds planning a saucy evening anytime soon. The best part? It’s available through the Goop online store – so convenient! And a Goop pop-up shop has just landed in London, so you can probably get one there too. Usually, I’d say that you’re better off saving such a large sum of money and putting it towards a boutique Tibetan monk experience, or a deposit for a house, but gosh, doesn’t Gwyneth seem happy in her new marriage? You can’t put a price on love, right?